I'm going to pick up from where I was, in the dirt. Please excuse the long silence, there was some good news that made me mentally well enough to not have to vent here. And things continue to be looking up for me! In a way! But now the news is no longer novel and I'm settling in for a (hopefully) long period of work. That is the good news, a job after a long time not working, and one that leaves me some time to work on myself as well.
Despite that, my head is buzzing all the time and none of the sounds in there are my voice. Ghosts creep in uninvited and constantly drowning them out means not being able to hear myself think. And when there is silence I somehow make myself uncomfortable. I used to be comfortable sitting silent but that when I assumed that things would work out. I have to relearn to speak to myself like I am doing here.
Things aren't going right in the world and there is always the onus on me to make things in my life better. It's not a good feeling, honestly, that while I've fallen down I can always get up. Because it isn't so bad - doesn't look or feel like anything is broken. Just get up. You'll fall back down, you'll get knocked down, happens to everyone, if you are lucky you can make someone fall down too since there's only so much room the higher you go.
So when will I get to the top? When will I have to stop climbing?
Don't ask for too much.