...

Well, what changed? My determination, I guess. Before I was determined to do things - nothing good, mind you. My life was a bullet, something to be expended and not valued, for the value in a bullet is simply in whether it crumples itself against the right target. But I don't feel like that anymore. It's not a comforting feeling - I have things to lose now.
So thanks to several weeks of therapy, I am left feeling better but not actually good. I need to find a new therapist because the first was helpful but only helpful, and told me that they were not particularly equipped to deal with my specific type of dysfunction.
There isn't much else. I try and fail at important things but never get discouraged enough, but that's been going on for a while. I need to just cocoon myself and work at the messy transformation into something better - no point in doing things when I'm a goo of undifferentiated meata instead of a something whole.